Dealing with emotions of a botched kill

[HenriettaPizzaNolan]

Today we processed our Rainbow Rangers. Typically my husband chops the heads off with an axe and we both process. He does it because he's stronger and also has accuracy from splitting wood since he was a kid. However, I mentioned to him that I feel I should also participate in the kill part so I have that skill. I wasn't confident in my accuracy or strength with an axe so I brought up the broomstick method and was even discussing it on BYC this week. I watched videos and mentally prepared myself.

When it came down to it, I went to get a shovel for the broomstick method, and my husband said he thought that was really inhumane. He said he thought I could do the axe just fine because I am strong and exercise. I'm a pushover and agreed, and I took a couple light practice swings before getting the bird. Then, when the bird was down, I took a hard swing and... it was too low on the neck! I screamed. I never scream. I quickly took another swing and most of the head came off. I had to take a third until it was fully beheaded. I got the chicken into the bucket as quickly as I could. I was absolutely mortified and breathing heavy after the experience. My heart's beating quicker just typing this.

I feel absolutely horrible. The whole reason I raise my own chickens is because of how inhumane the slaughterhouses and large scale chicken farms can be, yet I botched a kill and possibly made the chicken suffer! I guess it's hard to know for sure if he suffered because I think the first swing did break his neck (I saw it while eviscerating) and he didn't react in any way I could tell, but I really have no way of knowing. I feel awful if he suffered.

Have any of you ever botched a kill like this? Were you able to forgive yourself? What can I do next time to better prepare myself to participate in this part of the harvesting process?

 

[Morrigan]

First of all, I wouldn't say you "botched" the kill. Was it perfect, no. Did you dispatch the bird in a fast and humane way, yes.

Having followed your meat bird raising journey, I know these chickens had a fantastic life. Raised on grass and in sunshine, by a momma hen. They died without a stressful travel to a butcher. Every step you've taken, you've tried to do right by these chickens. So, don't beat yourself up now because you needed a couple extra swings of the axe.

A couple of other thoughts. Like you, my husband almost always does the "deed." One year, he injured his hand and I had to step in. Even though it was a clean kill, it was a very emotional experience. Although I had watched DH do it many times, it was much more difficult than I imagined. I was shaking so hard, I needed a break before I could do the next one. So, I think you might be feeling pretty emotional no matter what.

Also, I have heard of some bad botches with the broomstick method kills. Like the neck being stretched way out, but the bird not dying. So, it might not have been any better that way.

Finally. Huge kudos to you for be willing to do the difficult act of butchering. It's not easy -- physically or emotionally. Alll and all, I think you did great.

 

[Coffetym]

I remember as a child the method used by my grandmother & another elderly woman that was a distant cousin was to catch the chicken, put a loop of cord around the feet & suspend said bird on the clothes line. At this point al that was needed was a tug downwards on the head & a sharp knife quickly removed the head. It was a very quick & effortless method & I believe less likely for failure than the broom method.

 

[abpatchy]

My first kill was botched. I cried after the bird was finally dead and it haunted me for a long time. You can't change what happened. But what you can do is learn from it and make it easier for the next birds.

 

[SamLockwood]

I had do dispatch a sick young rooster this summer. He was so far gone intellectually I knew he wasn't even really conscious any more. And yet, part of me stull feels guilty because the first blow didn't totally put him down.

He twitched around a bit and breathed heavy and I had to hit him again with the hatchet before he went still. Intellectually I know it was just some automatic physical processes, but I still felt awful.

Keeping livestock isn't for the faint of heart, and the first time you have to put any animal down is never easy unless you're a sociopath (even if it's some asshole predator killing your beloved pets). I'm not sure it ever gets easier, except that sooner or later you get good enough at it the animal passes with a minimum of suffering.

 

[HenriettaPizzaNolan]

Thank you all. This is all good advice. It seems I'm not the only one who has done this. It doesn't make the emotions any easier, but it is comforting to know I'm not alone.

I need to get better for the next time and maybe find a method that better suits my skills and comfort levels. I was thinking, and I may look into the kill cone with PVC cutters method. Beheading does make me feel the most comfortable because I know it's over for the chicken, so maybe this is a way I can do it without having to worry about my swing accuracy - especially with broomstick method likely being out of the question since my husband seems really against it. I do wonder how hard you have to squeeze the cutters though. Maybe I'll buy a pair and practice on some sticks and pieces of PVC.

 

[HenriettaPizzaNolan]

First of all, I wouldn't say you "botched" the kill. Was it perfect, no. Did you dispatch the bird in a fast and humane way, yes.

Having followed your meat bird raising journey, I know these chickens had a fantastic life. Raised on grass and in sunshine, by a momma hen. They died without a stressful travel to a butcher. Every step you've taken, you've tried to do right by these chickens. So, don't beat yourself up now because you needed a couple extra swings of the axe.

A couple of other thoughts. Like you, my husband almost always does the "deed." One year, he injured his hand and I had to step in. Even though it was a clean kill, it was a very emotional experience. Although I had watched DH do it many times, it was much more difficult than I imagined. I was shaking so hard, I needed a break before I could do the next one. So, I think you might be feeling pretty emotional no matter what.

Also, I have heard of some bad botches with the broomstick method kills. Like the neck being stretched way out, but the bird not dying. So, it might not have been any better that way.

Finally. Huge kudos to you for be willing to do the difficult act of butchering. It's not easy -- physically or emotionally. Alll and all, I think you did great.

Somehow I missed this response.

Thanks for this! That means a lot and helps me feel a little better. I really have tried to give these guys a good life, so I think that's why I felt so awful about it. But you're right, maybe it wasn't entirely botched and overall these chickens' lives were still better than commercial ones.

I can relate to the part about watching your husband do it a million times but it being harder to do than you think. I always make a point of watching him do each kill because I don't want to detach myself from the difficult emotions of the process, but now I really have a greater appreciation for the accuracy he has with an axe and also the mental strength to kill 6-7 chickens in a row twice a year. He can have a bit of a short fuse on processing day, and now I understand why. It's not easy to deal with those emotions.

You could be right about the broomstick. What if I did botch that, and then had to rush it over to the stump to chop the neck? That's a lot of time and movement where the chicken is suffering, so good point.

Thanks for such a kind response. I don't really have anyone in real life who processes chickens so I'm glad I have people on BYC I can talk to about stuff like this.

 

[Sally PB]

Finally. Huge kudos to you for be willing to do the difficult act of butchering. It's not easy -- physically or emotionally.

This. Exactly.

You can't change what happened. But what you can do is learn from it and make it easier for the next birds.

And this too.

I need to get better for the next time and maybe find a method that better suits my skills and comfort levels. I was thinking, and I may look into the kill cone with PVC cutters method. Beheading does make me feel the most comfortable because I know it's over for the chicken, so maybe this is a way I can do it without having to worry about my swing accuracy - especially with broomstick method likely being out of the question since my husband seems really against it. I do wonder how hard you have to squeeze the cutters though. Maybe I'll buy a pair and practice on some sticks and pieces of PVC.

This is a good idea.

If one of your birds should die from injury/sickness, save the carcass to practice on so you can learn how hard you will need to squeeze. No worries about the bird suffering, it can be just "a learning experience."

 

[HenriettaPizzaNolan]

This. Exactly.

And this too.

This is a good idea.

If one of your birds should die from injury/sickness, save the carcass to practice on so you can learn how hard you will need to squeeze. No worries about the bird suffering, it can be just "a learning experience."

Thank you!!! And that's a really good idea. God forbid I have a hen die like that, but at least I could use her as a learning experience to prevent something like this from happening again.

 

[FunClucks]

I have small hands and am not physically very strong. I use the kill cone and a sharp knife, and remove the heads with a knife after they're dead. Based on how hard that is for me, and hearing others' experiences, I think pipe cutters or a lopper while using a kill cone can both work, just squeeze quickly as fast as possible, and don't buy the ratcheting kind. Think guillotine. I could do it, and I'm not super strong. Just be firm and decisive and as quick as possible.

If you're unsure of your method, or if it's new, having a backup method on-hand is not a bad idea. I did the English method (bird in one arm where you pull and break the neck with the opposite hand), but once the CX got big enough that didn't work, and I found that out when I tried and it didn't work. I quickly grabbed my sharp knife and finished the job so the bird wouldn't suffer. Felt horrible for that bird, but I learned from the experience. Now I know my strength limitations.

Super kudos to you. Butchering is not easy. Ditto to practically everything everyone else said in these posts. There's a lot of emotions, but it's an important skill to have.