Adopted son dilemma: Moving in

[shelleyd2008]

Some of you may remember my story about a year ago about my 2 oldest sons. Both were adopted about 8 years ago, and each went to separate families. My oldest, Jesse, has been in contact with me for a few months. He will be 16 next month.
At first our conversations were pretty nice, catching up on old times and trying to get to know each other. Lately most of the conversations are one-sided, his side, because he either doesn't respond to anything I say or because when he does respond it's to tell me how much what I said is not what he wanted to hear and he doesn't want to talk to me anymore

Yesterday I was gone all day at a poultry show, but my youngest son, Cristian (6), had stayed home with my dad. He was on facebook most of the day playing his games, and I had forgotten to go offline on chat. So when I finally got home and sat down to check emails I saw that Jesse had tried to chat with me. I sent him a message letting him know that it wasn't me online and that I wasn't ignoring him.

So today when I checked facebook, I had a message from Jesse, probably more like 8 messages. He's asking if he can come live with me. But here's the kicker. He doesn't want to live with me to be with me, he wants to live with me because I'm in KY and a girl he's obsessed with lives in NC. He is in MI, and he figures that I'm closer to her. I don't know what he's thinking, it's not like living here would make him anymore close to her, I'm sure I'd never take him there. The only way he'd get closer to her is by running away, which I'm afraid he would do.

He also says that his parents don't understand him and don't care, which I seriously doubt. I think he is just a messed-up kid that needs help and doesn't want to do what needs to be done to 'get fixed'.

I'm afraid to tell him no, because that will start a whole new round of how much he hates me and how much I'm not what he needs, but I don't think him coming to stay here for these reasons is the right thing.

What do I do??

 

[DuckLady]

Ask for a conversation with his parents and him all on the phone or something.

And make sure he knows ahead of time what would be expected of him "if" all parents involved agree to this.

I bet if he had a list of chores, duties, homework and other expectations laid out in front of him, he may think better of it.

Of course, telling him that you are not a hotel for dating services would be a good thing to bring up as well.

 

[bburn]

You don't let him manipulate you. That is the bottom line. And you are probably right....he needs some counciling. Call his parents and let them know your concerns. If he gets mad he will get over it at some point.

 

[Boyd]

What I would do is have a serious conversation with his adoptive family. Internet romance can make kids do crazy things, trust me

Ok, not me personally but my kids. ok, well me once.... twice?

 

[fosterchick]

I am on the other end of a similar situation. I am the adopted parent of a 16 year old girl that wants to go live with her birth mother. Her birth mother lost her rights to her 10 years ago. It would be much better if you contacted the adopted parents. Please support the adopted parents and keep the communication with them. Your son will be mad and will get over it in do time. He will understand when he gets older. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[littlefarm_bighappy]

Uh. internet romance, my big Irish arse. He COULD be in love with a great girl, the one meant for him...

OR it could be a 40 year old predator waiting for him. I think his parents need to be informed of this, the fact that he is willing to travel and meet people he met online is a bit scary.

Moving in... well, since custody is ended this could get very hairy, unless there is a temporary guardianship transfer. Personally, you have enough to deal with and it would be a lot for your younger children to deal with. I know the adoption and meeting your older son was very hard and you twisted yourself over it.. but now is now, and you have your younger children that are in your custody as your focus and your star.


Tke care, I know this must be rough, but remember he is *not* making a good decision and in fact could be making a deadly one.

 

[redhen]

Shelley... i'd get in touch with his adoptive parents..
thats the first step...
then see where it goes from there...
But.. just remember..if hes giving them(adoptive parents) hell... he WILL give you hell too... and you also have to think about how that will affect your little guy....

 

[debilorrah]

Shelley my instincts are SCREAMING at me right now. Please say no. I have no idea the reasons behind the adoption at all. Just reading your post leads me to ask you to please say no. It cannot wind up good. His reasons are not honorable.

 

[mom'sfolly]

This will sound harsh, but you no longer have any parental rights; his parents are the people he lives with. He is sixteen, and a minor; if you allow him to come live with you, you could be setting yourself up for a very bad situation. I think a frank conversation with the adoptive parents is in order. He is trying to work you, and play to those instincts you have. He may not like you if you go to his parents, but often sixteen-year-olds don't like their folks. By going to his parents you are acting like a parent, not his best friend. In the long run, this will benefit you.

I think your gut is telling you that this is not the right time or reason for him to want to live with you; but there is so much emotion involved it is hard to follow your head. Don't let him use emotional manipulation to get you to do what you know isn't right for now.

 

[WingingIt]

It's not his or your decision as to where he lives as he's a minor. It's his parents' decision and they need to know that he's trying to find alternatives to get closer to this 'girl.' Please warn the parents, they need to know. He's putting himself in potential danger (not with you, but other options) and you need to inform them to help keep him safe.