I have had it "to here" with my step daughter & don't know what to do.

[Mrs. Glassman]

Ok, first I think a little back ground info would be appropriate & help you understand a very long and drawn out story....

My husband & I married about five years ago. We were together for three years before we married. I love my husband very much. He has two kids, one daughter, one son. At the time the mother had custody.

His daughter was almost a deal-breaker for our relationship. She hated me, and I knew it was to be expected. I dealt with it by overlooking *most* things. I did call her out on her lies when I would catch her telling her mother that I "wouldn't allow her to use the phone to call".

Time rocked on, and of course his daughter, Tori, & I began to grow closer. This was about the time that her mother, Melinda, was on about her 3rd or 4th divorce....things were rocky in her house hold. My husband suspected that Melinda was on drugs, but had no proof to use to take the kids.

Melinda's then new boyfriend, unbeknown to us, was a prolific & active arsonist. He was responsible for hundreds of house & property fires in the area. John Oxendine (the insurance commissioner even when to the press for help catching him)

Melinda & him had a volatile relationship, but they married anyway. The kids would cry and want to spend the night here, or Melinda would call during a fight with her husband and ask if we could come get the kids out of the house. I can't count how many times we rescued those kids in the middle of the night.

One day, her husband called my husband. He said that Melinda went suicidal & that he had put her out at the ER & left her there. He said the kids were alone at the apartment & somebody probably should pick them up. Of course, my husband picked the kids up immediately.

DEFACS called us to find out where the kids were & to set up a protective order to keep the kids away from Melinda due to her drug screen that they took at the ER. When Melinda was released from the ER, she was taken by police car to the drug rehab unit in town. DH got a lawyer ASAP. The lawyer got the medical records of Melinda's stay at the ER. She tested positive for a myriad of illegal drugs--including meth. Defacs came out to the house & inspected us & interviewed us & sent us for drug screens. We passed everything with flying colors.

DH's lawyer sent Melinda change of custody papers that stated she would give up every legal right she has to the kids. She said that as long as we didn't seek child support, she'd sign them because she "just didn't want to be bothered with any of it".

We got complete & sole custody without the least bit of resistance.

Our family got closer. It was hard on the kids at first, because Melinda almost went to jail for arson as well. The detectives came to our house and asked if they could borrow the kids, we agreed only if we could go too. Turns out, Melinda & her husband took the kids with them to burn down & rob people's homes. The kids ID'd the crime scenes & even gave approximate dates of the fires. More & more was coming out.

Tori almost clung to me. We became almost best-friends. We would talk & laugh & cry together. She said she related to me because I was dealt a poor hand when it came to mothers too. (but that is another story)

I worked late and during the summer when the kids were out of school I'd even swing by the house and pick up Tori so we could go out to eat together when I got off work while everyone else was asleep.

Melinda's husband went to jail.
Melinda got a divorce.
Melinda had a string of bad relationships.
Melinda met a sugar daddy.
Melinda finally found a well to to old man to take care of her. She in her late 20's, him in his late 50's. I'm sure he was thrilled. He spent lots of money on her. She seemed stable. We allowed her to see the kids. He spent lots of money on them too.
All was well in the universe.

Then, GREED took over. One of the world's deadly sins.
Melinda, with her serpent's voice, whispered in Tori's ear, "I'll buy you everything with his money, if you come live with me".

ONE PROBLEM.....

We have sole legal custody.

The two devised a plan.

Defacs suddenly shows up. There had been allegations. "I am abusive to Tori, I am mean to Tori, I hate Tori."

I WAS FLOORED.

This, of all things, Tori said. She who had been like my best-friend, thrust a knife in my back for the love of money.

I was devastated. I was hurt. I was mad. I told my husband that if she wanted to be with that woman, enough to do that to me, I'd pack her crap for her. I all but threw her out of the house. DH told Melinda to write up a change of custody.

Melinda came & got her. For a minute, they were happy. Then the old ways hit Melinda like a tidal wave. She went back to drugs, went back to having relationships with other people. Her boyfriend threw them both out in the streets.

Melinda was back in town, living with friends. Rumors started getting back to us. DH was concerned, I was still hurt & mad.

Two months later, my brother saw Tori walking Main St at 2am with an adult lesbian. DH hit the ceiling. The kid is only 14 years old...what is she doing running the streets at that hour????

I told you that I love my husband. This should seal that for you: I swallowed my hurt & hatred and told my husband that if he felt he needed to step in, I would support him. (Melinda has been to lazy to draw up those papers. Legally, Tori was still his.) I did tell him to not expect me to greet her warmly, in fact, I'd feel better if I wasn't asked to speak to her at all.

He picked her up from school. Boy, was she ticked. Her mother reported her kidnapped as soon as she learned what happened. We heard it come across the scanner, so DH called the police & told them he was the alleged kidnapper & they were welcome over.

The police arrived. They read the papers and told Tori that she'd just have to get used to living there with us. He advised her that if she had been his child, she'd be whipped for her actions. (Georgia is a Capitol Punishment State...we can spank our kids....GLORY BE!) He bid us good night and left.

I can't say I was even remotely happy about her being there. I bit my tongue and went on with life.

Months passed.
She apologized.
We had a heart-to-heart talk
Eventually, I got over it.

She treated me like nothing had ever happened. She told me stories of how her mom let her stay at a 18yo's house alone (she was 14), She wanted those privileges back..."NOT ON YOUR LIFE, HONEY."

We were friends again...not best friends, more like, "I have to see you every day so we might as well be happy, friends"

Melinda made amends with the old man.
They got back together.
She seemed to be doing well.
DH allowed her to begin seeing the children again.
Things were great.
All was well.

Greed reared it's ugly head again.
Tori lied on me again.
I almost lost it....Okay, I lost it a little bit. I backed her against the wall yelling about how long it took me to forgive her and how I would never forgive her again. And once her back was to the wall, I punched the wall a few times while yelling about How I couldn't believe that she was so shallow and hateful and how I'd never-ever-never trust her again.

But this time...she wasn't going to get her way. Lying on people to benefit yourself should never work. I was wrong to allow my feelings get in the way of a very big life lesson the first time--- YOU CAN'T LIE TO GET WHAT YOU WANT.

This time, she was forced to stay and face the music. She had caused discord in our home. She should have to stay and be as unhappy as we were. This was the bed she made.

Things were bad. Very bad. I questioned myself as a person for the hate I had in my heart for her. I was never relaxed in my own home. As soon as I heard her get home from school or leave her room, my heart sped up, I began to sweat, My BLOOD PRESSURE ROSE.

I was no longer her champion. Before when she wanted more privileges, She would plead to me, and I would plead in her behalf to her Father to get her those privileges....now, I could care less if she sat in her room and rotted in her own filth.

Months passed, my hatred waned, and I got to the point where I could speak to her. That's it. Speak to her, as in, "you need to do your chores before you ask to go out" or, "I don't know, ask your Father." I was CIVIL. Nothing else. Neither cold, nor warm.

Time rocked on.
Her mother, Melinda got kicked out a few more times for doing what she's best at.
He always took her back.
Things must be going really well in that house.

BECAUSE NOW:

DEFACS came over and said that Tori went to them and allegated that we "With-hold food, and will not allow her to eat & we make fun of her." The Defacs lady stated that Tori said that she was a vegetarian and that we refuse to have vegetables in the house.

I all but beat the defacs lady with a bag of frozen peas. This woman walked up in our house & demanded to see our food. We have to have TWO freezers BECAUSE we have so much food, and WE are being accused of having NONE. Yes, much of my food is harvested on my own land. NO, it does not carry a label such as "Green Giant" or "TYSON"...But it is FOOD. and there is plenty of it. My HOMECOOKED meals consist of 1 meat, 2 vegetables, and 1 bread. All are homemade, all are available for anyone who is hungry....even the neighbor's kids if they are here playing at suppertime. And I am being lied about ONE MORE TIME.

I'm telling you people, I've flipping had it. I don't know whether I should break down & cry or if I should throw her/it out. The ONLY reason we have gone through this much trouble was in hopes that she could be raised with just a little bit of human decency & character.

This is not my child. It does not concern me in the least if she ends up begging in a gutter.
My husband wants more for her.
He wants her to become a decent adult.
He knows that she is lying.
It hurts him too. BAD.
BUT THIS IS HIS CHILD!

No, the world can't use one more low-life...but how much do I have to give to prevent that??

What state agency is on our side??

I am at a breaking point here.
On one hand, this is my husband who wants to do the best by his children.

One the other, how much crap do you have to take before you realize it's a lost cause and just give it to the mother so they can wallow in their own misery together??

Really guys, I could use some support here. I don't know what to do.
Just GUESS what you'd do if you have to....

 

[mom'sfolly]

First and foremost take a deep breathe. This is a child in your care; if you hate this child she is better off without you. But the first thing you and your husband need to do is cut off all contact with her mother. She has given up her rights to this child and has used this child in the commission of a crime. She needs to never see her daughter again. Yes, this makes you the bad guy, but it is what is needed. All your issues with this child come from her mother, take her out of the picture and you have a young girl who needs her father and you. If you do this, I think most of the issues can be resolved.

Remember she is a child, she loves her mother, and she doesn't have the age or experience to make adult choices and see through the manipulation that her mother is doing. This is why we raise and protect our children until they do have the experience to make good choices.

Hang in there. Try to find some family counseling that all of you can go to. Harboring resentment for this child, and having her cause problems in your marriage isn't good for anyone.

Good Luck

 

[Angelic Vampyre]

I am the daughter of a second marriage. My mother brought up my dads 4 kids when is wife became insane (we have dr's notes to prove that) they then married and had me and my sister. 30 odd years on the oldest daughter refers to us as the whores daughters. They ignore my father, talk behind my mothers back, snub us and claim that we are not dads "real" children and steal from my parents home.

Sadly there is not alot you can do. You can't help who you love or who they have had children wit in the past. Talk to your husband, explain how you feel, take deep breath and keep going because that is all you can do.

It sucks that you have to go through this and big hugs, you have dealt with it better then alot of people I know.

 

[PotterWatch]

Ok, I may be completely off base here and please forgive me if I am. I think that the first time she lied about you so that she could go live with her Mom and the sugardaddy, that you took it a little too hard. You are the adult and should have been able to see that she was being manipulated by her mother. Do you think she came up with those lies on her own? I imagine her mother told her to say those things and being a child who wants her mother's love and doesn't know how else to get it, she went along with the lies. Was it hurtful? Certainly. Was she wrong to do it? Of course! But that doesn't change the fact that she was a child who was being misguided and manipulated by her own mother.

To say that you hated her for the lies she told at that time is very strong. It is unfortunate that you saw her as your best friend rather than a child you should be helping to care for. As an adult, you should have been able to swallow those hurt feelings and help her pick herself back up rather than to be so anxious to throw her out again. After all, you knew she hadn't been well cared for and probably not well loved during that time with her mother. I know that it was probably very hard to swallow that hurt, but do you think that perhaps you didn't really put it behind you? For a person who is supposed to be like a mother to her to be merely civil had to have hurt her as much as she hurt you when she lied. I think she obviously needs help and that you should probably try some family counseling as well as individual counseling for her. She probably feels as though her mother abandoned her and that you have abandoned her as well. Those feelings can cause kids to do some awful things. Imagine how she must feel knowing that you don't care how she ends up. It is a self-fufilling prophecy. You expect her to act like a low-life, so she does.

Like I said, I could be way off base. Reading things online doesn't portray things like they really are sometimes. I apologize if I am completely wrong, that is just the feeling I got from reading your post.

 

[Mrs. Glassman]

Oh, wow...take a deep breath is something I have not done....I am NOT being sarcastic there...I'm serious. I've been on pins & needles.

I have had much hatred for myself for the way I feel about her. I think that it's not right to feel this way about a child.

I can't help but to think that if we were rich, we could just leave...and leave behind the influences that wreck our home, and are destroying this child's chance at an honest life.

The old man is running out of money. He recently took out a $5,000 home equity loan to pay for things Tori wanted & to make Melinda happy. How can we compete with that?? We are not willing to risk our home to make a child happy. To secure & feed us, we would....but for wants and not needs???

 

[Rillion]

I would get out, honestly. This is primarily your husband's responsibility, and if he won't step up then nobody should expect you to do his job for him. Tori may regret her actions later, and it's very possible that she has been corrupted by her mother for the foreseeable future, but she's not your responsibility and you owe her nothing. I would be her friend if she manages to grow up and prove herself trustworthy, but not until that point.

My suggestion is to move out, live on your own, and refuse to participate in their soap opera. Sounds like your husband is taking on a passive role in this situation and forcing you to do his job, which is unfair and might actually get you into legal trouble if you're not careful. Bad news.

Best of luck to you....neither your husband nor Tori are necessarily bad people, but they're making unfair demands on you and you need to kick into higher gear when it comes to self-preservation. As they say on the airlines, always put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help someone else.

 

[Terri]

teenagers really suck. My daughter at 15 fell in love with the pool lifeguard(23) by 17 we told her to leave. She is 20 now, and we can't keep her away. Sometimes you have to just let them go and hope they learn lifes hard lessons.

 

[KDbeads]

Here's a point of view from the kid, take it for what it's worth:
My father used us kids to nearly ruin my stepfather's life. We were lied to, told to say certain things, we were too young to really understand what was going on. All we knew was that at dad's house we could have pizza, macaroni and soda every evening for dinner. At mom's we had whatever she made because it was healthy, no soda, just tea or water. No fun either, we couldn't go out skating as often as we wanted, we had chores, we had homework, we knew we were poor. With dad, it went away. It wasn't GREED motivated. We were kids, neither side ever explained to us what was going on, we had to figure it out for ourselves. Once I finally saw what was happening, mom got stiffed for child support because she got the house to keep over our heads and the car to take us to school in, I saw the whole situation in a new light but by that time I was in college and the damage had been done.

My stepdad told us numerous times that he hated us and we were the reason he was on all the medication he was on. Hurts a kid really bad to know they are hated by a parent and used by another. I at least was old enough and mature enough to get through it in mostly one piece and go on to be a well functioning adult. My brother wasn't that lucky, he's been in and out of jail for everything you can imagine from the age of 15.

Get child/family services involved with everything, EVERYTHING. Have them do weekly visits if necessary and get your stepdaughter into counseling ASAP, it wouldn't hurt if you were to get some for yourself to help you handle this. Group/family sessions are a very good idea. Have child/family services recommend a counselor, it may help your case out a bit.

Above all, hating the stepdaughter will destroy your marriage. I watched this happen with my mom and stepdad over the last 20 years and it's a horrible thing for both of them to have to go through.

 

[GaNewChick]

I think the worst thing you could do is cut off all contact with the mother. For now, you need to know what is going on in her life if the child continues to bounce back and forth. This *child* is smarter than anyone is giving her credit for. She knows exactly what she is doing ... she is playing both sides to get what she wants. Been there done that for 23 years.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. You give all you got to help her, and she sucks the life out of you. It's a hard pill to swallow when you are doing all you can do and it turns out to be a game. Been there done that.

You're not her mother, you'll never be, and you shouldn't try to either. You are an authority figure that shoud be respected. You and your husband need to sit down and figure out how y'all want to approach this ... both of you have to be on the same page and always on the same page in front of her. If one of you turns the page, you'll have to sit down and agree again.

You can pm if you'd like. Although I haven't been through near as much as you, I can relate.

 

[Mrs. Glassman]

Potterwatch:
You are right...100%...I did let my feelings get in the way of a righteous decision. I felt at the time that we were so close that this should not have happened. I was thrown for a huge loop by the allegations. And I did blame Tori, for starting it, even if it was whispered in her ear to say. I felt that we were so close that this was a serious and calculated, stab in the back.

It was the FACT that I knew that she was not well cared for by her mother & that SHE knew that she was not well cared for and still chose to throw me under a bus to be with her that hurt.

It was never that she wanted to be with her mother...I can see that of any child. It was that she had portrayed an accurate knowing of right and wrong through our conversations before hand. She should have known this was a huge wrong to do. She is a teenager...not a six-year old. She knew there would be ramifications.

I do not and will not ever blame a child for loving their mother.

It's the fact that she disparaged me to gain living quarters with that whom tossed her aside. IT FREAKING HURT. I forgave her ONCE...but three times??

She is 15 now....soon to be 16. She knows what she is doing, and she's playing a government system to wear us down....make us throw in the towel.

She knows there are no rule where she wants to go, not even "go to school".

Really...and truthfully, you are right. I want to throw in the towel. You are right....It's not my matter whether or not she grows up to be a useful adult or if she becomes the bane of society.

I am stuck with her though...if I want to continue a marriage to a man I love, I am here. I would not ask him to cast her aside & give up...but I am almost there.

edited to fix typos