I have had it "to here" with my step daughter & don't know what to do.

[wombat]

I'd also keep a daily log. Keep track of all disciplinary issues and how you've dealt with them. This might help the next time SD tries to play the victim with social services to get what she wants.

 

[redhen]

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Yes! A very important thing to do..

 

[Julie08]

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Exactly right, I have 4 step kids I have been their step mom since I was 19, they never call me mom I was never mom and never will be. I was maybe more like the cool aunt, they called me by my first name never mom, they had a mom and a dad marrying their dad didnt make me mom I never disiplined them that was their dads job when they were with us. I am friends with all of them but that's it, and I believe the way it should be I spent a lot of time with those kids and we have a great relationship but I am not their mother.

 

[mom'sfolly]

I'm going to diverge from the talking about the child to go to talking about you. Please don't feel like I'm attacking. Your feelings of rage and hatred for this child are going to cause you problems, either with yourself, your marriage, child proctective services or the child herself. You need to focus on yourself and your marriage. You sound like you are at wits end, and I think some therapy for yourself would do you a world of good. If you find someone who specializes in family issues they should help you find coping techniques for yourself and strategies for dealing with this child. If you focus on helping youself deal with this difficult creature, it can only make everyone around you happier.

The level of anger you are expressing for this girl is a little scary. Kids live to make their parents angry and step-parents are even worse. In some ways you sound more like a spurned lover than a parent dealing with a manipulitive, emotional adolescent. Kids don't think like adults, their brains aren't fully developed and they are emotional rollercoasters. You are an adult, and it is your responsibility, even if it is hard, to take the high road. It seems that you have played some of the same games she is, not talking to her, witholding affection, and blowing hot and cold.

Take that deep breath, call a pastor or a counselor, talk to child protective services about parent training classes, maybe the ones the make foster parents for special needs children take; keep talking here. Vent and talk and work through things in a space that is seperate from everything else in your life.

Again, good luck with all of this. You have my profound sympathies for the situation you have found yourself in.

 

[ruth]

As others have posted, your anger, hurt and rage towards this young woman is evident to all of us and I'm sure quite evident to your step-daughter. If I'm reading the original post correctly, you have been a mother figure to her since she was about 7 years old. You've had sole legal custody of her for the past few years. All was well, you became "best friends" (#1 mistake). As posted, even with your own biological kids, you are never, ever to be their best friend. You are always, and at all times, to be their parent (step or not). #2 mistake was letting a young impressionable child go and visit an arsonist, drug using, lunatic mother who had no legal rights. Would you have let her visit anyone else who fit this description? But, I'm guessing as her "best friend" you didn't want to stand firm on the no-visit policy. Please correct that immediately.

Second - as a mother and a step-mother I can guarantee you, had this been your own biological daugther you would still be facing some of these same issues. When their hormones change - they change. The sweet little baby girl that couldn't wait to crawl in your lap to be cuddled to sleep will suddenly make Linda Blair look good. All the more reason to Stand Firm - be the parent, not the friend.

We had a saying in our house, or at least I did with my three children, especially during the years as a single mother and they were each a year and half apart so 3 pre-teens/teens at one time - "This is not a democracy. You don't get a vote."

When DH and I married and he had two kids, same ages as mine and they decided to go live with their mother who was never home and had no rules we fought and lost that battle (they were 16 and 18 at the time). I still remember one trip to NY (we took all 5 teens) and his daughter stole his credit card, snuck out of hotel, went shopping, hid merchandise. When we found out later and he confronted her, she denied it, blamed it on my daughters, and then told a huge lie about how I had taken the three girls (my two and her) shopping and forced her to stay outside Tiffany's while I took my two shopping inside. So, yes, I know where you are coming from - that was the start of our marriage 10 years ago. It's been a bumpy ride ever since. But, I still stand firm and act like their parent and treat them the same as my own - they are all grown now, married and having kids of their own. The mother's influence on his two now grown kids is quite obvious but we still present a united front and peaceful home for them to come to. They are all our kids and we don't use the "step" word. My kids love and respect their "step-father" more than they do their own father (who has lots of issues himself).

You must deal with your feelings and love this child unconditionally. There were times with my own children that I would say, jokingly but not really "one of us is going down and it ain't gonna be me." Stand firm.

 

[Big C]

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Eggzaxtly, there comes a point in life that you cannot do anymore for someone without more damage/hurt/sorrow being done to everyone. Like you said, there comes a point that belief has to come to the forefront for everyone.

 

[journey11]

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I thought this was a good point of view. I am 32 now, but when I was 16 my mom remarried and we ended up with a soap-opera similar to yours. He had 3 kids, there were 3 of us, and then together they had my little sister (who is autistic, which really ended up showing what my Step Dad was really made of--or not made of, as the case may be).

The important thing to remember here is that she is just a kid. And up until the early 20's all kids are pretty easily swayed and manipulated. They just don't have the ability to make sense of all this mess. One of my step sisters was just like your step daughter, very easily manipulated by her mother who had married rich the second time around. Many, many times I heard comments like, "you can have the cheese-wagon (mini-van), my mom is buying me a convertible". My sister and I ended up snapping and beating the tar out of her one night and we were promptly thrown out by my step dad and sent to live with my dad. I've never known such blind rage before or after that in my life.

Now these many years later I have forgiven her, because you have to or else you'll become a terrible, bitter person and you won't even recognize yourself anymore. It is not worth the physical and emotional effects that bitterness will do to you. The old adage, "bitterness is like giving yourself a dose of poison and waiting for the other person to die" is all too true.

You are the adult, so you have the headstart here on being reasonable. It will take quite a few years before your step-daughter will be able to put these things into perspective. Your reactions could be a deciding factor in when or if she ever does. As hard as it is, try not to react. And try not to speak evil of her mother, despite what kind of horrible person she is.

Your marriage may still have a chance, but it's going to take some family therapy and a whole lot of forgiveness (even if undeserved) on everyone's part. When all is said and done, years from now, she will likely feel some degree of remorse for her childishness and actions, especially if all she can remember is patience and love from you. It will be hard, I know.... It goes against all our natural tendencies to have compassion and grace for someone like this who has wronged us. But remember, she is just a child. And bitterness will ruin your life if you hold on to it. Even if you do decide to get out.

My step sister ended up being the destruction of my mom's second marriage, although I have to say it was always built on the wrong foundation to begin with, so that didn't help. He remarried #3 and is currently warping someone else's kids. My step sister made a mess of her own life, but is trying to put things back together. I can speak to any of them if I see them out now, because after time I did forgive them. My mom ended up alone and raising my autistic sister herself; my step dad has very little to do with her, which I guess is a good thing really. I love my little sister. She is a sunbeam that came out of a really bad situation.

You guys are in my prayers. I don't know what your husband's role is in all of this, but you and he need to get on the same page. I wish you peace in this time of storm.