I could use some breed suggestions or a reality check.

I am here to second the Buckeye recommendation. Great birds! Also look into Naked Neck Turkens. They do great in heat and cold, lay well and I’ve never had a broody one. Not sure how they free range. Another breed worth thinking about is the “Dominicker” (Dominique). My Speckled Sussex went broody once a year which is good if you want to hatch your own chicks. You might also go well off the deep end and look into creating your own landrace.
 
If you guys have had good experiences with hatchery stock, maybe I just got bad hatchery stock.
Not all hatchery stock is made equal, a welsummer I had from a feedstore won reserve champion of a large county fair! grand champ was a duck so I like to think she was best chicken :) Of course you'll get bad ones, sick ones, weirdos, but you're bound to get some decent and some nice in the mix too! (and maybe if youre real lucky, a reserve champ!)
 
Speckled Sussex
If it makes a difference in your future decisions
Mottling might still show up even if the bird is "split" (1 copy instead of 2)

I had originally heard it needs 2 copies to show
Buuut 1 chick that I hatched has always looked suspiciously like its mottled mom, so I decided to look it up if it'll show up if the chick is just split.... yeah, it can... little/poorly
Which I'm fine with for my flock

Sorry for the incorrect info. Really thought it was accurate =/
 
You've got some very specific requirements there!

I don't recommend Sussex. I've had loads and they are broody broody broody!

I do recommend Welsummer, English Marans, Wyandotte and Barnevelder. I have nothing bad to say about any of these breeds, having kept them all myself.

They are savvy enough to avoid predators but not too flighty, lay a decent number of eggs but not so many to wear out their insides in 2 years, and are inquisitive, confident, excellent foragers, entertaining characters (and vocal). Clean footed, non crested. They come in gorgeous colours and are fairly hardy in all weathers.

Orpingtons are pretty, but not food/egg efficient at all. Too many feathers taking the protein.

Polish are a no no with hawks around and free ranging over a large area. They just have no peripheral vision.

I'd recommend Naked Necks as they are brilliant birds but their appearance may give you the ick.

Most chicken's friendliness is down to how they are raised, not their breed as such.

The best tempered cockerel I've had is an Araucana. But they lay blue/green eggs and you want brown.
 
You've got some very specific requirements there!

I don't recommend Sussex. I've had loads and they are broody broody broody!

I do recommend Welsummer, English Marans, Wyandotte and Barnevelder. I have nothing bad to say about any of these breeds, having kept them all myself.

They are savvy enough to avoid predators but not too flighty, lay a decent number of eggs but not so many to wear out their insides in 2 years, and are inquisitive, confident, excellent foragers, entertaining characters (and vocal). Clean footed, non crested. They come in gorgeous colours and are fairly hardy in all weathers.

Orpingtons are pretty, but not food/egg efficient at all. Too many feathers taking the protein.

Polish are a no no with hawks around and free ranging over a large area. They just have no peripheral vision.

I'd recommend Naked Necks as they are brilliant birds but their appearance may give you the ick.

Most chicken's friendliness is down to how they are raised, not their breed as such.

The best tempered cockerel I've had is an Araucana. But they lay blue/green eggs and you want brown.
Thank you! I was favoring Buff Plymouth over Sussex, so that helps me to narrow it down there. You’re right about Naked Necks giving me the ick; I get the ick easily, heh. My neighbor raises champion Araucanas, but I love the tail feathers on chickens; the roosters’ are so decorative, and the hens’ are just so cute.
 
Thank you! I was favoring Buff Plymouth over Sussex, so that helps me to narrow it down there. You’re right about Naked Necks giving me the ick; I get the ick easily, heh. My neighbor raises champion Araucanas, but I love the tail feathers on chickens; the roosters’ are so decorative, and the hens’ are just so cute.
I totally had the ick until I got some NNs. They are so ugly cute it's quite odd but they are some of my favourites in the flock now.

My Araucanas (UK) are not the rumpless kind. Perhaps your equivalent is Ameraucanas. Here is a not so good pic of my lavender hen and also my rooster. They are bantams but they come in large fowl size.

As an aside, if you really want the best feed to egg ratio, then many bantam breeds outperform LF by a mile. The eggs are medium sized, but large compared to body size, and they cost much less to keep, are great foragers and you can house more in a coop of the same size.

Ask me anything about bantams you like.
 

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I totally had the ick until I got some NNs. They are so ugly cute it's quite odd but they are some of my favourites in the flock now.

My Araucanas (UK) are not the rumpless kind. Perhaps your equivalent is Ameraucanas. Here is a not so good pic of my lavender hen and also my rooster. They are bantams but they come in large fowl size.

As an aside, if you really want the best feed to egg ratio, then many bantam breeds outperform LF by a mile. The eggs are medium sized, but large compared to body size, and they cost much less to keep, are great foragers and you can house more in a coop of the same size.

Ask me anything about bantams you like.
She breeds tufted, rumpless Araucona. She wins a lot in shows, so she knows her stuff, and her birds are beautiful; they just aren’t quite what I’m wanting.

I love the clean look of a rooster or hen without tufts, so Americanas are out too (I’ve read it’s really hard to get the true breed instead of easter eggers anyway).

Thank you for the bantam information and offer for more information! Other than my niece’s pet bantam chicks, I don’t plan to have bantams. They’re cute birds (adorable even), but I want standard birds. However, on my niece’s behalf, could you answer one bantam question? She has a White Dorking female that has always been much bigger than the other chicks (cochins, easter eggers, d’uccle); is that normal, or is there a chance she was sent a standard White Dorking?
 
She breeds tufted, rumpless Araucona. She wins a lot in shows, so she knows her stuff, and her birds are beautiful; they just aren’t quite what I’m wanting.

I love the clean look of a rooster or hen without tufts, so Americanas are out too (I’ve read it’s really hard to get the true breed instead of easter eggers anyway).
Araucanas have tufts, Ameraucanas have muffs & beards. Different genes, slightly different results.

I wonder if any of the culls from the Araucana breeder would suit you? Due to the way the tuft gene works, Araucanas will always produce some chicks with no tufts. I'm not sure if there will be some chicks with tails or not, but you might ask. Some breeders do include birds with tails in their lines.

Have you already ruled out Easter Eggers? They come in a variety of colors (not good if you want all your birds to look alike), but they do tend to be healthy birds and good layers. Of course they are variable, especially from one hatchery to another, but I would expect them to mostly avoid the extremes of flightiness, stupidity, and broodiness that you dislike in some breeds.
 

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